so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
