I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
