Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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