So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
