There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
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