she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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