Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
