I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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