I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
