wrigley field is MILF paradise
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
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