I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
