Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
