I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
