Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Randomize
