Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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