im about as happy as oj after his trial
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
