1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
