Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
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