How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
