just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize