Will you blow on my dice?
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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