There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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