I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
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