she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
