I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
