anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize