I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
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