What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
