you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
