remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
