They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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