I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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