remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
