my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
im holly from the hills drunk
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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