She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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