They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
