You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize