My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
