How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
