Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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