Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
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