..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
