Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
So drunk its hurt
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
either way he was missing a nipple.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
