It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
We're using joints as your birthday candles
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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