I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize