So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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