im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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