I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Jerry, you need to find god
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
And then he peed in my hair
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
