Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
