the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
