and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
im holly from the hills drunk
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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