Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
