I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
