I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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