Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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