I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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