4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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