Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
