You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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